the male sex organ doesnt really fit...

many things upset my composure. as i type i am bitching to jen about the what seems like 10 different sets of cordless phones we have in our house....you see...after i typed the opening sentence, somebody called the house and a chaotic array of silly generic preprogrammed rings pulled my attention away from my line of thought...and thats aggravating and it set the calm off course. big breath...

i would love to say the big breath helped but it did not...imagination movers is on and im distracted by the music...not that the music is bad...not at all...its really good in fact. many different genres all played very well...and its a kids show so its perfectly rated for my ears... unoffensive and positive...not that i dont like more adult (not that kind...) entertainment because i do. just the other day i watched "gone in 60 seconds" (the remake) and "the dark knight". i like "gone" because its full of nice cars (the 428 high compression engine at the end made me rewind a few times) and i like nick cage. some people dont like him but i do...matchstick men was the first movie i saw with him and he was excellent. dark knight was just that...dark. while the the movie was entertaining i came away kinda...meh...i never find anything special in movies that get hyped up beyond what it is.

see, here i am at paragraph 3 and i have lost my way completely...i had wanted to talk about something a bit more serious but how can i after letting you read all thats above...and im not starting over...i have invested WAY too many key strokes to turn back now. so maybe i have just wasted 2 minutes of your time but you could look at it this way...i just schooled you in the inner work flow of my brain and as you can see its kinda....(i looked to jen for guidance on what word i could use to best describe my my brain...so i asked her the first word that pops in her head when i say "steves brain" she smirked and said "penis"...i dont know what to think of that and i dont think it really fits the end but i will try)..i just schooled you in the inner work flow of my brain and as you can see its kinda penis. well there you have it...dont say i didnt try.... :P


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the real deal behind the kripple

i boast i am a superman and that its hard as hell to be me, but its not. its hard as hell to be jen...the unseen person behind my life. the one who watches me slowly erode in too less and less each day. the one who wakes up everyday to do everything for two people before doing everything for 4 children...the one who goes to work to come home exhausted THEN cooks and cleans the house. the one whos day off includes laundry, more house cleaning, driving the kids everywhere, driving kripple to wherever it is he goes...carrying the little sideload known as abby everywhere to boot. the one who takes unfounded yelling and trivial bickering as normal because she knows that her husband doesnt know why he is mad/pissed off/angry/sad/discouraged/hopeless/helpless all at the same time. the one who never has a second to herself because the whole household is resting on her shoulders.


i remember my jen when she was full of energy, laughing and smiling. i feel that i am crushing her with my load...she deserves so much more than this. she is the real SUPER...not me.


i love you jen, thank you for your love and dedication to this tired and bittered soul...its more than i deserve.

big air, big ramps and piss in my pants?

its friday...two days ago i went to a park in north whitby with jen and abby. it is a meetup group from the church (ALL woman - not a bad thing...if i were single!!!!)*** i have let this sit for way too long. it is now saturday and i have forgotten almost everything that happened at the park. i feel really crappy  about this because i was actually very excited about writing this particular blog...why?...well let me tell you...somebody in the group we were with said something about my blog...maybe a mention or something of that sort (which is cool in itself because that means someone is actually reading this stuff (< i have to say i was going to use the word shit in that spot but i am being cautious for some reason...jen tells me just to be myself but if people are reading then i owe it to them to be somewhat ...uh...clean?) and that makes this worth doing.)<< i got lost in all the bracketeering and now i have to remember where in the world i was going with all this...****HELLO PASTOR LAURA AND ALL THE MOMMIES FROM WEDNESDAY!!**** this freaking blog is like a real time insanity trip.

when we were at the park i did notice a bunch of skaters and bikers (not hells angels...though could you imagine HA at the park? it would be the best run park in all of durham thats for sure) really, they stole my attention...i was there to take pictures of abs and her friends but was whisked away to 1987 and the age of 16...i was a biker at heart though i skated as well so i rolled on over to the ramps and started to shoot...they were all cool with me taking pictures (especially when i attached a web address to it)and i sat there for a good 40 minutes just having fun and feeling young...>>> is my favorite picture of the day (that wasnt of jen or abs...but you knew that...right?) this kid just got HUGE freaking air almost every time... it was fun to watch and shoot...oh yeah, he was on a mountain bike too!***i would like to thank all the guys there who put up with my wheelchair and order barking...you guys were wicked***

<<< not to be out done by fun, my bladder had to come out and play too. so once i realized i was ready to take a whiz (by that time it was WAY too late, i just didnt know it...yet) i rolled towards jen. as i drew closer i unloaded my gear on one of the moms (brianas mom i think) and got a chill feeling that i needed to go a little more than i thought (i was starting to clue in to my dire situation). i yelled to jen that we NEEDED to get me to the throne NOW! and i headed towards the mens room...it was down hill...a BIG down hill, which was fine because i like danger and speed so a downhill crazy train was cool with me. now, jen is 5'4" so her strides are somewhat lacking in length so she takes longer to get places... like behind a 6'5" maniac in a wheelchair racing down a hill at a high rate of speed screaming "WOOHOO I GOTTA PEE!!" so when i arrived at the bottom of the hill, jen was nowhere to be found...with 2 huge ramps in front of me, i was forced to sit and wait for mrs.littlelegs (now i was totally aware of my error in judgement, not leaving for the throne earlier) with a bladder on the verge of meltdown. once we got up the ramps and in to the building...the bloody bogg was at the other end of what seemed like a 1/4 mile (400m for all you metric buffs out there) building....jen walked at what seemed like a kripples pace (;P) so i was panicking when she pushed me in to the EMPTY bathroom. if you have been following at all you will know i get leg lock from time to time...it was that time...so i am in the can with my pants undone in the chair but my legs have gone stiff as a board and wont bend...so picture steve, straight as a plank resting over the top of a wheelchair with his pants undone crotch to the wind...screaming "JEN!!!" at the top of his lungs (i am also worried about a potential pee fountain indecent)...finally after the 6 time screaming for her my baby came to the  rescue...sort of...she couldnt bend my knees!! jen had to pull me up with straight legs, kinda like Frankenstein. as we are struggling to get me up, a kid and his grandpa walk in to the bathroom to a big uh...well you can figure that out yourself...they left very quickly....i pee'd on myself, then in the urinal...


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parents are crazy...any wonder our kids are too?

have you ever taken on an event/project and then gotten killed by it in the opening minutes? that is what happened yesterday to jen and i...when we decided (ok..really... jen wanted to, i was sitting in the garage happy as a bug in a bag when i got the text about it) to go bowling with a 12 and 2 year old at "leisure lanes" in whitby.

i was chilling in the garage taking care of my body (i chanced into some kush...it kills all nasty feelings in my body...i thank God that He put this plant on the planet) when i the following text convo started...

"wanna  go bowling?"
"im feeling tired"
"too bad"
"why?"
"i wanted to go" <<< it was at this point the dad/crazy in me woke up and i responded...
"ok get my camera ready"

so i finished what i was doing...i felt good enough to think i was capable of going out (which i clearly wasnt...but the crazy in my life convinced me otherwise) and we climbed in to the van and headed out for the 15 minute drive through oshawa. it was very bright out (gotta love the vitimin D) and i played a bit with the camera...the windshield was dirty so they are a tad shitty but aside from that and the ginormous sun spot...i like them.


we arrived at "leisure lanes" (we have never been btw) and found a spot to park near the door...the front door presented the first problem...aside from all the smokers right in front of the door that we had to hack our way past (sometimes i think smokers do it on purpose... polluting whatever door they are standing near i mean) there were no ramps to be seen for my wheelchair...now i had to decide how much i love the people i was with. i guess i love them tonnes cause i left the chair in the van and grabbed my cane and headed for the front door (so you know, i am about 5 years past being able to walk effectively with a cane). the steps were...well...steps...big enough for me to have issues with but small enough that the pride in me will at least TRY to conquer them...and the pride won with major difficulty...but that was only hurdle #1 (i couldnt believe there were no handiman spots or ramps).

hurdle #2 :

we go in side to find that jen picked a league night to go bowling on, so there were only 4 available lanes to bowl on. that was cool because we got the last lane and here i thought our luck was about to change...UNTIL...he said it was lane 46. we were at lane 5 so i had to walk to the other end of the ally 41 lanes away. now for anyone else this is fine but for me i need assistance...my assistant was dealing with a hyper little girl and a 12year old nob. so it was slow going to say the least.

hurdle #3,4&5:

after arriving at lane 46 the fun really began, there were a set of 3 steps i had to go down to get to the actual lanes...my 12 year old decided he no longer wanted to play because everyone looked like leftovers from the 70's and there were no kids (jen paid for 2 games for 4 people) so while we fought with him to get his shoes on, abby decided she was going to play without us... she proceeded to gutter 4 balls, 3 on one side and one on the other. so when jake finally put the shoes on we had to get an attendant to clear our gutters...but at that point the stress has engulfed both jen and myself and we decided it wise that we cut our losses and pack it in after not even one complete frame.

the funniest:

when we decided to leave there was another door way at the end we were at...it was handiman accessible (thats a kind gesture for me to say because the ramp was as steep as everest...lots of brain power went in to its creation i could tell )...screw you life, your a dick! so nobody was killed or hurt in this outing but there were 2 tired and frustrated parents.

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kripple witnesses major accident

yesterday...one sec, i gotta go pee (go figure). steven is watching malcom in the middle and it keeps fighting for my attention.

ahem...

(the drive)i had an appointment with my MS doctor....hohol...dr hohol...ms expert and punctuality specialist (if she ever viewed (i used viewed because read didnt look right) my blog i think she would smile at my title for her). i enjoy my visits with her, i believe she genuinely cares about my heath...thats a good quality to have when dealing with a guy like me. we started of our appointment off with a laugh...i was an hour late for our very first appointment and maybe even the second (its always the traffic... oshawa to almost the lakeshore in toronto is brutal) so she set me on the straight and said "if you're late again, you can find another doctor." that angered me a lot but do you think i was ever late again? not for8 years....not until my last appointment but it really wasnt my fault...so we made sure we were very early this time. when she came out for the appointment before me, i made sure she was aware of my punctuality to which she said this..."steve, in the Ukraine there is a saying and it translates something like this...what died in the woods...and she smiled and i tried to defend myself and she just walked away...i am very fond of my doctor. after talking about how our kids think they invented the internet and how her kids wont let her have a facebook account and my pee fountain blog (she laughed too), we got to the exam and i am pretty much the same as i was 6 months ago...we will see her again in september.

jen and i got in the elevator with 3 other people...2 older ladies (one of which offered to sit on my lap but i cant remember what i said to get her to say that) and a lady maybe my age. after jokin about sitting in my lap the door opened (my back facing the door) and not being able to see i thought it prudent that i make a beeping noise as i reversed out and good thing...there was a crowed of people waiting for the elevator. as i came to a stop in the middle of the crowd i looked up and nobody was smiling..."tough crowd...i thought it was funny!"...the people started getting on the elevator and one woman whispered to me as she passed "i thought it was funny"...thank God!!! i was starting to think i was a freak....ok i know i am a freak...

by this time it was getting on to 11:00am and jen and i were getting hungry...i thought maybe a slice of za and jen was like "ok...i guess" which means i will go along with your ass because i dont want to think about it. i was happy she said yes...i wanted to go to "the big slice" at yonge and gerrard and so we headed north from queen...i havent been to the big slice since 89/90...the last time i was there i was in a stolen car and met a skin head girl who tried to bum a ride off us to which she was refused (wasnt my stolen car)...a week later she was on the news...they found her burned body in a warehouse(rip..we are sorry for not giving you a ride)...all of us were more than a little weirded out to say the least...BUT...they have great pizza slices. when jen asked what kind of slice we should get...i said cheese slices and she said "cheese?"...."uh huh, cheese"..."ohhhkay"...and in she went to get lunch. we then proceeded to dundas square to eat...i didnt get shit on by a seagull either. we spent some time at the intersection of dundas and yonge (dundas square) ..i have never seen a scramble intersection...i know what it is...but this was my first experience with one. it was very very fun. we would just wander around the intersection taking pictures...one time i just sat in the middle the whole time taking pics for a panorama shot, rushing to the side walk just as the light turned green (craig would have let me sit there as long as i needed directing traffic around me).

we also stopped by the "hard rock" because i wanted to see some guitars...i only saw 2, bobby dylans washburn (pictured) and robbie robertson's black american strat...both very nice guitars. i would love to have owned either one and they made me smile...but i soon ran outta things to look at AND i was starting to run out of steam so we decided we should start back to the van...jen needed an atm so she left me on the east side of yonge and went in to the eaton centre in search of cash. while out side i filmed my video ending witnessed a horrible collision on the sidewalk..a blind guy walking in the middle of the sidewalk crashed in to a guy with one leg in a wheelchair going the opposite way!! the guy in the chair just looked at me with a wtf? look on his face and the blind guy had no clue what the heck just happened...i think i pee'd a little.**taken from my photomentary** after that entertaining uh...side show...i got a text to meet her at queen and yonge...and off i rolled to meet my lover...

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prep work for trouble

today i am going to see my MS doctor downtown...i am not a fan of downtown. people are rude and pushy and everything is crowded and expensive. i am taking all my gear for pictures and even a video maybe....if all goes well i will get in to some trouble while im there! look out st. mikes §TëVë™ is in the house!!

MS + cold = bad... MS + cold + fever = night from hell

yesterday i started getting a cold...that is never a good thing. while the runny nose is annoying and the plugged nose voice is funny, i get dragged out and tired... still its not as bad as it could get. jen just brought me fresh blueberries and strawberries, a cup of home-brew coffee and 2 slices of rye with cheddar....yes, thats how bad my night was...fresh fruit always makes me happy :)


when i went to bed with abs at 9pm-ish i could tell the fever was coming. it usually comes while i sleep...the fever that is...dirty minded people....last night didnt disappoint. at 1pm-ish woke up and had to pee...not a big deal when i dont have a fever...but i HAD a fever...so the fun started as soon as i tried to get out of bed...just reviewing my post and i didnt tell you why a fever is bad... when my internal body temperature rises because of exercise or say a FEVER all my energy disappears and i lose most of my ability to control my body.


getting out of bed...how hard can it be, you say? let me tell you how hard...(again, get your minds out of my gutter!) you know when your tired and you stretch your arms and legs out to there max length and they can kinda lock in the stretch position for a split second...well my legs lock and my knees wont bend when i have a fever...try getting out of a bed like that...its not easy but then try WALKING!!


so i am tired sick AND have a fever...its dark, i have to pee really bad (a whole different story as to why i wait so long to go...maybe later) and i cant bend my knees so im walking in a half ass Frankenstein type way but worse is i cant lift my feet so they drag and catch on everything. it was touch and go getting to the bathroom door but the fall didnt happen till i tried to sit on the throne (standing is not an option anymore). instead of landing on the seat one knee buckled and i fell in to the tub...crotch blowing in the wind...and since i was in a crisis my bladder started to let go and created a piss fountain...all when i was using my hands to keep from falling deeper in to the tub. not to be out done by the tub the toilet proved to be just a big an ass hole as said tub...i managed to kill the fountain and pull myself out of the tub and sit on the toilet but my legs wouldnt pull apart so my crotch wasnt pointed in to the toilet...can you say hello fountain part 2? by the time a got everything situated i was out of pee...as was evident by the yellow puddle around me and my new yellow clothes....i cleaned up with lots of effort and went back to bed.


2:30 and i woke for round 2...i figured that the same thing would happen if i went to the bathroom so i opted for the easier way or so i thought...my pee bottle! again i had leg lock and i couldnt bend my knees OR pull my legs apart so i couldnt fit the bottle properly and i had fountain part 3 aimed at the wall and my clothes from yesterday plus i couldnt empty completly so i had to go to the bathroom anyway!!!


lots of fun living this life...there is never a dull moment or a second of dignity anymore. as funny as i make it sound for you to read, it makes me want to cry.


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my head hurts and thats my story

the sun is shining on my window. the window at the very top of my tallest wall. its a beautiful window with many different colours and textures. blazing reds and bottomless blues...grassy greens and lemon yellows fitting together in chaotic togetherness. each piece adding its wonderful uniqueness to the light that it is given to celebrate. then the wicked troll came and kicked my window in...what a jerk.

so we went to the mall...i dont have much use for the mall but its better than sitting home...alone...all by myself....**see side note...so after the boys went to school jen abs and myself all got in the van (ok i kinda fell in to the van) and headed to the x-ray clinic to pick up some...you guessed it...cd's!(that had x-ray images on them)

im not feeling this story...i have so much shit going on in my life right now its unreal...it makes it hard to sound positive or even be funny. im sorry for all the half ass thoughts but this is all i can muster today...just total randomness

heart burn really burns...no joke.

<<< would you wear these colours??

**i have to say... man am i tired i can hardly keep my eyes open and its only 1:17 in the afternoon...now i just get a call from jacob's school and he is being a freak. sometimes i wonder what i did to have all this happen to me...

random, purge, remember, GET OUT!!!!

posture...if you knew what was going through my head you would run...am i tired or am i lazy...i still like sesame street...do you really want me to do that?....its getting light outside at 6:10am...if it wasn't for me i would be perfect...but showers are REALLY dangerous...exploiting myself for small gains is ok..i know your 16, thats why you need a size 12 in the ass...everything is legal as long as you don't get caught...honesty is not over rated...life isn't fair, its just worth it...

so i have deleted american politics from my email. things are looking bleak for the Yankees and it is bringing me down so i need to purge it from my mind and fill the gap with something else....but that is a problem. being immobile has some very difficult problems attached to it...like its difficult to move and get around (duh) so doing anything requires some serious effort and i usually get discouraged before i ever get my shoes on...i feel bad for jen because she cant really do anything with me because i change my mind often and that makes me hard to predict...not easy for planning an outing.

this is me 25 years ago...doing what i loved. back then it was all easy but little did i know that 3 years later i would be diagnosed with MS...that picture was taken out back of "vogue bra"... yepper the best bmx jump was at the back of a bra factory on gordon baker rd in scarborough there was also a make shift bmx track 5 minutes away in a field out back of batta shoes on victoria park...shoes, bras and bmx...oh the life.

i have the desire to go out and do something today...i dont know what but i will be going out somewhere with my camera to take pictures and if im lucky i will get in to some mischief...i will report back later today with the results of my outing!!

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