indescribable and unpredictable married together
finishing each others sentences...its perfect
confined to the space it is given
a wide open space it perceives
a life time to leave its mark
to decide when and where
it will live and settle
why, is what i ask
i didnt want it
but i am here
just the host
depleted
helpless
alone
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
the chairs view sucks today
i have lost my composure. something in me, be it my illness or chemical imbalance or maybe i have turned into a giant 6'5"ass hole (most likely) has just set me off. i have spent the last 2 hours arguing, cussing, belittling the one person who loves me...and i dont know why. i am angry as hell at something in my life and its not my lover, yet she takes my shit and lets me freak out about nothing and blame her for bullshit she didnt even do. how do i get this attitude or anger or whatever the hell it is out of me?
i used to be happy. slowly it has eroded and now all there is is this mean sick man who nobody wants to talk to anymore. i dont know how to fix this. can i be fixed? i dont trust doctors and i will never take a mind altering man made antidepressant , so i am screwed. i will lose all i have because i am changing in to something i am not and i cant stop it from happening...i should have seen this coming, i should have been prepared...but i didnt and im not and i cant blame anyone but me. i suck.
i used to be happy. slowly it has eroded and now all there is is this mean sick man who nobody wants to talk to anymore. i dont know how to fix this. can i be fixed? i dont trust doctors and i will never take a mind altering man made antidepressant , so i am screwed. i will lose all i have because i am changing in to something i am not and i cant stop it from happening...i should have seen this coming, i should have been prepared...but i didnt and im not and i cant blame anyone but me. i suck.
the world we live in
I am watching the last strong hold of Christianity slowly erode away. The very fabric of what was America has now become the doormat for entertainment and self-indulgence. Tolerance has replaced discipline; intelligence has replaced common sense, and science/ technology has replaced faith and hard work. While America was running to Hollywood and organized sports, her enemies have been forging ahead with the mind of destruction and dominance.
i feel for America in the worst way. their constitution was and is ground breaking...something worth fighting for. a document that believed in small government, little taxes as possible and self governance...yes self governance. the founders believed that there was no need for big government because the faith of the people in God would allow the people to govern themselves! woah! can you believe that? what happened?
clearly the american people need to stand up and defend this document against a crazy out of control government that clearly represents a serious threat to the very foundation of the great country that is The United States of America.
today, 1000's of americans are taking part in 100's of tea parties across their country...thank God. i hope that this gives the current administration the kick in the ass that they need. i believe that this is the begining of something "revival" like and a change that is needed.
God Bless America.
i feel for America in the worst way. their constitution was and is ground breaking...something worth fighting for. a document that believed in small government, little taxes as possible and self governance...yes self governance. the founders believed that there was no need for big government because the faith of the people in God would allow the people to govern themselves! woah! can you believe that? what happened?
clearly the american people need to stand up and defend this document against a crazy out of control government that clearly represents a serious threat to the very foundation of the great country that is The United States of America.
today, 1000's of americans are taking part in 100's of tea parties across their country...thank God. i hope that this gives the current administration the kick in the ass that they need. i believe that this is the begining of something "revival" like and a change that is needed.
God Bless America.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
face to face
i hate that time....that time, right before you decide to deal with something enormous. it makes you feel sick and weak, doubtful and hesitant....usually i cave. i hate dealing with problems...conflicts...caused by my own negligence...it sucks. why would i think that i was immune to consequence? my first response is to say "because im sick" but jacob is needing help with math so i am going to suspend this deep conversation with my inner self and be off to help the young lad. see ya.
so now i have a few followers
i must convey the the good feelings i have, now that i have 2 followers. its not really a good feeling but rather, a silly one...for i am related to the two followers. i need some more time with this thing to get a handle on it BUT...i still think this is kinda gay. im not really in to all this stupid shit but i am forcing myself to be open to it...if not for the smallest reason that i dont really do anything but smoke pot and play xbox and thats all getting kinda old...like my actual physical age.
honestly, i have a lot to say...even if it rattles off in to the abyss that is the internet. why the hell not? bigger idiots than me have blogs spouting the garbage that they hold dear...and so will i. i will make you laugh, i will make you cry, i will make you sick and i will make you pissed off....i will make you something...but you will be back for more. i can say that for a fact...
so now i need to decide what to focus on....or not. i kinda just like rambling. so i will start with a little history about myself.
i was born in Canada in the 70's...a cool time to be born for sure. the idiot hippies were fading away along with their retarded ideas about free love bla bla bla...cars were being restricted because of the fuel crisis...disco, eeeeew disco, bmx and skate boarding were being born into sports, jen was born....but better than the 70's were the 80's...
the 80's were my glory years...i skated and bmx'd...A LOT. i had my best friends bri bill and darin...i loved motorcycle racing and the beastie boys. as the 80's moved along i found jesus and my grand father and my cousin both died of cancer and finally MS found me (because i certainly was not looking for it).
the 90's...i think it was definitely the decade of happenings...i married stevescurlygirl
and had kman, rickshaw jr and jakob.i learned to play guitar myself, i was in various rock bands. i schooled myself to a CNE and an MCSE and started to seriously get in to honda car engines for reason of making serious power.
2000- y2k did not happen
00's, tough decade thus far. i received a baby girl, abbs...a definite highlight. my MS has started to control my body, making for all sorts of displeasure. i have become critical and moody. i dont trust the world for anything and i have become extremely intolerant of cell phones/texting/mobile web devices and their users. GRRRRRRRRRRR....
honestly, i have a lot to say...even if it rattles off in to the abyss that is the internet. why the hell not? bigger idiots than me have blogs spouting the garbage that they hold dear...and so will i. i will make you laugh, i will make you cry, i will make you sick and i will make you pissed off....i will make you something...but you will be back for more. i can say that for a fact...
so now i need to decide what to focus on....or not. i kinda just like rambling. so i will start with a little history about myself.
i was born in Canada in the 70's...a cool time to be born for sure. the idiot hippies were fading away along with their retarded ideas about free love bla bla bla...cars were being restricted because of the fuel crisis...disco, eeeeew disco, bmx and skate boarding were being born into sports, jen was born....but better than the 70's were the 80's...
the 80's were my glory years...i skated and bmx'd...A LOT. i had my best friends bri bill and darin...i loved motorcycle racing and the beastie boys. as the 80's moved along i found jesus and my grand father and my cousin both died of cancer and finally MS found me (because i certainly was not looking for it).
the 90's...i think it was definitely the decade of happenings...i married stevescurlygirl
and had kman, rickshaw jr and jakob.i learned to play guitar myself, i was in various rock bands. i schooled myself to a CNE and an MCSE and started to seriously get in to honda car engines for reason of making serious power.
2000- y2k did not happen
00's, tough decade thus far. i received a baby girl, abbs...a definite highlight. my MS has started to control my body, making for all sorts of displeasure. i have become critical and moody. i dont trust the world for anything and i have become extremely intolerant of cell phones/texting/mobile web devices and their users. GRRRRRRRRRRR....
so, i have no followers.
its a peculiar thing...in my eyes anyhow , why someone would sit down and take the time and effort in to creating a "blog" .....yet here i am doing that very thing....with prodding from my wife who ; made the following entry into my "digital" desktop assistant thingy on mac...*see side note at the bottom*...so TADA!!! here i am.
after caferly considering my options i have decided to have an evolving content as not to"limit" the possibilities (there are a lot of i's in that word...wow) out there before me. thats a load of crap....i have no clue what to do or what to talk about. tim just called me on skype...he is my brother in aw of me...i mean...law. so i will get back to you in a bit....maybe...oh hell, probably not with optimism
*side note* i just deleted it by mistake...i dont really know how to use the pda yet, but i am trying. i believe it said "make a blog you silly twit" but that is what i recall and could be completely wrong...which is the case in 80% (jen claims 100%) of the cases.
after caferly considering my options i have decided to have an evolving content as not to"limit" the possibilities (there are a lot of i's in that word...wow) out there before me. thats a load of crap....i have no clue what to do or what to talk about. tim just called me on skype...he is my brother in aw of me...i mean...law. so i will get back to you in a bit....maybe...oh hell, probably not with optimism
*side note* i just deleted it by mistake...i dont really know how to use the pda yet, but i am trying. i believe it said "make a blog you silly twit" but that is what i recall and could be completely wrong...which is the case in 80% (jen claims 100%) of the cases.
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