Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Assholes and the damage i've done

well, it has been tough on me... which means it been tough on my family. i never really take in to consideration how my health affects them (probably because im to involved with myself to notice or care) and this is causing real big problems in the family unit.

i have developed a "me versus them" complex that is destroying any unity we may have had...(i will be using "i" and "me" a lot in this post probably because i can only give my point of view (which could be total biased and wrong)) <== nice double bracket huh? i have always been the dominant person in my family, giving orders (always in the best intrests of the family) and always needing to be right. i know that isnt right but i cant seem to stop...what is really fucking me up now is my confinement to the wheelchair. people just dont give a shit to listen to what i have to say...not that i think i was a tyrant (i am sure EVERYONE will disagree) but it seems i perceive any respect there was is gone and i am making life hell trying to keep it.

a major problem is coming from my sons, all of whom are entering or in manhood...i will give a general account of things then single out the biggest problem. they all have a lack of respect for me (and jen for that matter) and being a guy who at most times of his life had big respect for his dad, this is not an acceptable thing. i cant help but feel they are taking advantage of the fact there is no physically able male presence in the home anymore and yes i realize they are becoming men but that is no excuse fore disrespect.

my biggest issues are coming from my youngest son. he seems to have the biggest issues with me out of the three. (geez my hands are having great difficulty typing) i argue and fight with this kid non stop...he has no issues telling me to shut and go fuck myself and that drives me to the point of murder...and he is the one that always benifits from being in to the same things i was (BMX and guitars). it drives me insane that i get treated this way by the kid i go out of my way to give new guitars and expensive bikes to because i know how it sucks to have substandard equipment...maybe i m an idiot? not maybe...

i cannot control anything and i scares me to give control of my life to anyone who isnt me...yesterday i freaked out thinking about my future and where i am heading and to what miserable fucking end. these are pictures of the kids dumpy room he refuses to keep clean

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