The Assholes and the damage i've done

well, it has been tough on me... which means it been tough on my family. i never really take in to consideration how my health affects them (probably because im to involved with myself to notice or care) and this is causing real big problems in the family unit.

i have developed a "me versus them" complex that is destroying any unity we may have had...(i will be using "i" and "me" a lot in this post probably because i can only give my point of view (which could be total biased and wrong)) <== nice double bracket huh? i have always been the dominant person in my family, giving orders (always in the best intrests of the family) and always needing to be right. i know that isnt right but i cant seem to stop...what is really fucking me up now is my confinement to the wheelchair. people just dont give a shit to listen to what i have to say...not that i think i was a tyrant (i am sure EVERYONE will disagree) but it seems i perceive any respect there was is gone and i am making life hell trying to keep it.


a major problem is coming from my sons, all of whom are entering or in manhood...i will give a general account of things then single out the biggest problem. they all have a lack of respect for me (and jen for that matter) and being a guy who at most times of his life had big respect for his dad, this is not an acceptable thing. i cant help but feel they are taking advantage of the fact there is no physically able male presence in the home anymore and yes i realize they are becoming men but that is no excuse fore disrespect.


my biggest issues are coming from my youngest son. he seems to have the biggest issues with me out of the three. (geez my hands are having great difficulty typing) i argue and fight with this kid non stop...he has no issues telling me to shut and go fuck myself and that drives me to the point of murder...and he is the one that always benifits from being in to the same things i was (BMX and guitars). it drives me insane that i get treated this way by the kid i go out of my way to give new guitars and expensive bikes to because i know how it sucks to have substandard equipment...maybe i m an idiot? not maybe...

i cannot control anything and i scares me to give control of my life to anyone who isnt me...yesterday i freaked out thinking about my future and where i am heading and to what miserable fucking end. these are pictures of the kids dumpy room he refuses to keep clean

They call me crazy legs?

sometimes (though it sure as hell feels like all the time), life kicks my balls. it can be a sneak attack or i can see it coming or it can be a combination of both as was the case yesterday/last night. you see i have an issue with my legs...they dont work. my brain tells them to do things but the just dont, i think if that was all i could live with it BUT...they do have their own brain (or so it would seem to me). the legs i own will shake like fucking crazy AND fast all by themselves...i dont get how they do it and it pisses me of that they are capable of this kind of movement on their own but when i try to make them do it, i get the old fuck you steve we dont listen to you. that is only the start of the issues i have with these pricks i call my legs....when the urge hits them and they decide to go dancing it is terrible for the one who doesnt want to dance (that would be me). you see they like dancing at anytime of the day...and during the day i can sort of deal with it...its at night though when they like to dance the most, at bed time. the way they go about it is really messed up too, they(the powers that control this event are "they") wait till all is quiet then they pick a muscle in my foot and upper thigh and then very slowly increase the voltage to full strength on the nerve that connects the two of them...i feel this uncontrollable tingle grow until my leg shakes so violently the entire bed feels like a magic fingers massage. it lasts about 10 seconds and then stops...and this happens hundreds of times per night no matter the position i am in.

now, this was happening last night...at about 1:30am (i have been dealing with this since 9pmish and i havent slept yet) when abby comes to my bedroom door and scares the shit out of me(i know this means i am about to get even more uncomfortable).

abby: mommy?
(jen has been in full snore mode for hours...dont ask me how with the bed shaking like crazy)
mom: *no answer*
abby: MOMMY?
mom: *still no answer*
abby: grrrrr
dad: yes girlie
abby: i had a bad dream

this is where the conversation ends and she is already climbing in to my spot...ya, she sleeps draped over me on my side leaving jen to her half of the bed. so here i am sharing a spot with the girl while my leg is doing the twist with a vengeance when all of a sudden as if to tell me they have only been kicking one nut, my other leg starts to shake. this just does not happen...ever. its one or the other not both...here i am stuck between abby and the edge of the bed with both legs doing a jig while jen snores (no clue how the woman sleeps through this). its 1:45am and i want to cry....

Here i am again

here i sit...i guess i should start with how this will go? i will be very blunt with things, no sugar coatings here follks...and the punctuation will be very bad and so might the spelling but i hate spelling mistakes so i will do my best to keep it correct. i used to have a good hand to type with but it left the building...probably with my legs so it is with great labour that i type these escaped to you. i ask that you bear with me and this loose format, if you do i think you will get some pretty good insight on my emotional physical and mental state as we move forward... all of which are in a state of complete fuckedupness (yes i make up words too). talk to you soon my friend.

love,

§TëVë™

after reading the preview i noticed that my blogger account has 21 followers...when did that happen? well...thanks for following and you can join the facebook group §TëVë™ - AN MS JOURNY which i will be doing most of the day to day.