indescribable and unpredictable married together
finishing each others sentences...its perfect
confined to the space it is given
a wide open space it perceives
a life time to leave its mark
to decide when and where
it will live and settle
why, is what i ask
i didnt want it
but i am here
just the host
depleted
helpless
alone

the chairs view sucks today

i have lost my composure. something in me, be it my illness or chemical imbalance or maybe i have turned into a giant 6'5"ass hole (most likely) has just set me off. i have spent the last 2 hours arguing, cussing, belittling the one person who loves me...and i dont know why. i am angry as hell at something in my life and its not my lover, yet she takes my shit and lets me freak out about nothing and blame her for bullshit she didnt even do. how do i get this attitude or anger or whatever the hell it is out of me?

i used to be happy. slowly it has eroded and now all there is is this mean sick man who nobody wants to talk to anymore. i dont know how to fix this. can i be fixed? i dont trust doctors and i will never take a mind altering man made antidepressant , so i am screwed. i will lose all i have because i am changing in to something i am not and i cant stop it from happening...i should have seen this coming, i should have been prepared...but i didnt and im not and i cant blame anyone but me. i suck.