post treatment update #1

so i have been quiet...i have have been going through a hurricane of emotions and strange body events since i last wrote and i have been tired...always tired. as i try to sort out all of the stuff i am going through i have been plagued with negativity towards the results of my angioplasty. i know that i tried to not think about what might happen and i knew going in that i may feel nothing at all...but in my heart i thought that this was going to be big for me. the procedure yielded no immediate results and i was quickly deflated...

i started looking for any little improvement...i was starting to feel defeated not just deflated, checking for finger movements and toe movements but nothing was getting better and i felt like trash. then i started to lift my left leg better...no matter how i was feeling in the rest of my body, my left leg was always lifting better. my moodiness has also mellowed pretty dramatically and so i have started looking for bigger picture improvements like arm strength and steadiness instead of finger and toe movements...the first things to go wont be the first things to comeback...they will likely be the last things i recover. so i am happy with the bigger things that i see and i also take heart knowing that the other little things will be following at some point.

i feel best in the morning right after breakfast and i fade somewhat as the day goes on. i have decided that my pot habit left over from my pretreatment days is definitely a huge hindrance in my recovery and is probably the sole factor in me not seeing the better result...so i now am faced with another challenge...my own fault...still another challenge.

talk to you all in a week!!

for what its worth

i like to think i have things under control....the last 12 hrs have showed me that i clearly DO NOT. i should be getting excited about getting my angioplasti done but i stress about it and getting everything in order in my head is really starting to stretch my sanity. my children cant or wont treat eachother with any kind of civility, so there is ALWAYS tension in the house. the last few weeks my physical being has been absolutly terrible...i started to lose my legs last week...from the knees down its like a tree stump...no feeling in my toes and feet, the further up my leg it lessens somewhat but its like walking on peglegs...now i am faced with the blistering heat which has utterly descimated me, i can hardly keep myself on the couch cause i have zero muscle control in my torso.

if thats not enough (and really is it ever enough?) i managed to pull my physical self together enough to go pick jen and abs up from the airport. the drive proved to much...for the van. on the 401 at leslie the head gaskets  blew causing the van to stop. jen was going to take a cab home (approx $200 my dad was going to cover so i didnt have to drive) but i couldnt let him spend that kind of cash...in the end it cost us $250 and some serious stress last night and now today as i try and figure out how the hell i am going to get another car to replace this one.

isnt it funny? all the bullshit that life throws at us, and we take it...go out of our minds trying to keep everything above water and scratch out an existance. some of us do well and float with ease, some of us have had a hole in the boat since birth and cant bail ourselves out no matter how hard we try.

lastly...i would like to thank mary, tyler, brian, shannon, rachelle, sheryl and bob, natalie, charmaine. patricia, all the dunns, m & d and everyone that supported me in raising funds and donations. i couldnt have donne this without your help.

my biggest thank you goes out to jen my lover and best friend in the world. you are the glue that kept it all together.